Over the edge
by breezer2
Summary: Jack gets captured and tortured by Ba'al–again. But this time his way of getting at Jack is torturing Carter. And this changes everything in their relationship.
1. Chapter 1

Another day. Another planet. This one looked like Minnesota, and he immediately liked this mission. What could possibly go wrong in Minnesota? He fell back as Carter, Daniel and Teal'c spread out. Maybe this would be one of these trips. Chatting with Carter while waiting for Daniel to finish translations. Or chatting with Daniel while waiting for Carter to collect stones, or dirt, or whatever it was she sampled. Or sitting silently with Teal'c while Carter and Daniel geeked out together. Apparently, this was a very boring planet. Under normal circumstances too boring for SG1 but Hammond had given them a breather after Carter had been lost in space, and hunted by a Kull, after he had been wounded and they all mourned Janet's death. They needed to ease back into things. So here they were, unknowingly stumbling into an ambush and hours later he found himself strapped onto a wall, with Carter, Daniel, and Teal'c in some Goa'Uld mothership dungeon. Just at the moment, Ba'al stabbed a knife into Jack's heart because he wouldn't give him his recently acquired ancient knowledge. Things were going just well. And while Jack was being tortured, killed and revived by the sarcophagus, Daniel was walking up and down in their cell.

"I'm worried about how he will come out of this," Daniel said, rubbing his forehead.

"He's strong, Daniel. He got through it last time; he will again," Sam answered without a doubt. If anyone could go through something like this—twice—it was him.

"It was bad…"

"I read the report."

"I was there."

Sam swirled around. "What?"

"He didn't tell you?" Daniel felt uneasy from the way she bored her eyes into him.

"What are you talking about?"

"I was there… I 'appeared'," he said for the lack of a better word. "I was there every time he came back to his cell." Daniel paused and looked at her.  
"He wanted to die, Sam."

First, she didn't know how to react. Then she felt anger boiling up in her. "And you did nothing?"

"Sam…"

"You just watched him suffer through this?"

Daniel was taken aback by the anger in her voice, the redness flushing her cheeks, the disgust in her eyes.

"You know I couldn't…"

"You had all these powers, and you just let him get tortured and killed over and over and over again."

"I was there for him, that's all I could do."

Sam huffed angrily and flashed her eyes at him. He had never seen her that upset—especially not towards him.

"He was broken when he came back. He didn't talk to me, to us. For days. He locked himself up in his cabin, and we had no way of getting to him." She tried her best to control her emotions but wasn't very successful.

"Sam…"

"Did you ever think about how we felt? What that did to us, as a team? We tried everything. We would have done anything to get him out of there. Anything. Hell, he only ended up there because," she choked on her own words. It had been her fault. The Colonel cut her off every time she tried to apologize. But she was sure only because he didn't want her to feel bad and not because he didn't blame her for it. She had pushed him to take the Tok'Ra. She had begged him. And back then, when she looked into his eyes, sharp for a brief second, she understood why he said yes. Not for him—but for her. After he was back, after she had stopped apologizing and after he was done avoiding her and everyone she had thought about telling him why. Why she couldn't let him go. Not because earth needed him, but because she had believed that if he could come back from this, they would have a chance—one day. But she didn't tell him and then she had almost lost him again when he disappeared on P5X-777 with Maybourne.

"It was not your fault ColonelCarter, and O'Neill does not blame you," Teal'c chimed in.

"Maybe he doesn't… but I do. And now he's in that same situation again. Because General Hammond sent us to P4X-765 to take it easy—because of me." She turned away, hiding the tear that slipped her composure.

* * *

"My Jaffa is telling me that your friends are fighting," Ba'al dropped casually and immediately got Jack's attention. So this was a new way at him, Ba'al noticed surprised. "They say, Major Carter is yelling at Daniel Jackson."

Usually, Jack would say something snappy, but he couldn't. He was trying to figure out if Ba'al was making this up or if Carter and Daniel were actually fighting. They never had. Usually, they were on the same team, and he couldn't think of one thing they could seriously fight over right now. Ba'al didn't let him wonder much longer and said, "Seems like you forgot to mention that last time I hosted you, Daniel Jackson came to visit."

_Oh, that…_

"It appears to me that Major Carter is pretty concerned about you."

Jack didn't like where Ba'al was going. He saw the mischievous look on Ba'al's face and knew he was onto something. His worry would be confirmed only minutes later when the door opened, and his heart dropped in a free fall. Two Jaffa were dragging Carter in. Her eyes jumped through the room like a wild animal, searching for the danger it smelled in the air. When her eyes found him, she frowned. He must look as bad as he felt.

"Major Carter. I'm glad you could join us," Ba'al said charmingly while he moved in circles around her, letting his eyes glide all over her body.

"I can't say I feel the same way," she snapped back at him.

_Don't tease him, Carter, _Jack thought, trying to tell her the same with his eyes.

"Too bad," Ba'al turned back to Jack. "Well Major Carter, let me explain what's happening here. Your Colonel has a piece of information I want," as he was talking, he strolled towards Jack, peeking over his shoulder once in a while to watch Carter closely. "As you know, he's pretty stubborn, and I'm afraid after our last intermezzo he got used to my preferred methods of getting people to talk."

Ba'al decided to demonstrate what he was talking about. Just like a devilish Home Shopping host, he grabbed the torture stick out of a Jaffa's hand and poked it into Jack's side. The pain that shot through him almost felt familiar, nevertheless it hurled him forward and let him gasp for air.

"Interestingly," Ba'al kept going, now standing right in front of Jack deliberately positioned in a way that Jack could see Carter and the other way around. "While he doesn't tell me what I want to know, I happened to pick up some, let's call them vibes." He waved his hands in the air, musing about this as if he was talking about some fun gossip he had picked up during brunch. "Feelings, you might say." Ba'al quickly glanced over to Carter and noticed his words weren't landing yet. "Which brings you, Major Carter—or should I say, Samantha—in the unfortunate position of helping me get the information I want."

Ba'al was now staring directly at Jack, who had done his best to keep his face under control. Ba'al's words did things to his body no physical torture had ever done. A cold sweat pearled down his back, his heartbeat accelerated while his head jumped to what Ba'al's words implied. He was going to hurt Carter. Badly. Endlessly. Until he got what he wanted from him.

"I don't think I can help you with that," Carter said. Her voice steady, but Jack could hear the fear in it.

"See, that's where I think you're wrong." Ba'al was waltzing back towards her.

"We are trained not to be influenced by our team member's pain," she said, but even Jack didn't buy it.

"Carter." It was the first time Jack said something. A warning, a 'just be quiet for crying out loud.'

Ba'al only granted him a quick satisfied glance, before he turned back to her. "Team members—maybe."

Jack watched as Ba'al nodded to the Jaffa and they let her go. He slowly moved around her until he was standing right behind her, so close Jack could see his breath ruffle her hair. A sick feeling rose in Jack, making him want to puke as he watched Ba'al lean closer and almost softly place his hand around her neck in a choking grip.  
"But what about…" And then he leaned even closer. Carter winced when his lips brushed against her ear, and then he started to whisper so silently, Jack couldn't hear a word—but he could read her face. Shock ripped her eyes wide open. Her glance was pointing at Jack, digging into his heart. He tried to keep his face neutral, but he wasn't sure it was working. Everything on his inside was bubbling. If he could only get rid of those restraints, he would leap forward, rip him from her and kill that Ba'al snake with his bare hands. But he didn't even try. Any sign of emotion would only feed Ba'al's plan and in turn, would cause more pain to Carter.

"He's not going to give you what you want, no matter what you do to me." As usual, Carter was quicker than him. She had her cool back, at least in her voice.

A cruel grin spread on Ba'al's face. "We'll see. I have time and the feeling that I'm going to enjoy this very much." With those words, he lifted the torture stick and pressed it into her back. Carter reared from the pain, but not one sound was coming over her lips. The second she had her face composed again, she locked eyes with Jack. And they told him: Don't you dare to say a word. He tried to give her something back, something encouraging, but he knew this was just the beginning; she didn't even know yet what pain felt like.

Ba'al let go of her, and immediately one Jaffa grabbed her, lifted her and carried her to the back where she was strapped onto the wall—two straps around her ankles, two around her wrists, one around her neck. Just like him, she was pinned to the wall on the other side of the room. Far but close enough, so he was able to read her eyes. Ba'al gifted both with a sarcastic smile and said, "I'll leave you to it then." and left the room.

Jack stared at the door for a long time before he found the courage to look at her. What had Ba'al whispered into her ear? He wanted to know. But he knew this was just the first act in this play called torture. Ba'al wanted Jack to ask her and suffer when he heard the answer. Or, he wanted him to wear down while thinking about it. So he tried to push the thought away. Maybe he would allow himself to get lost in her blue. Looking at her eased his pain and healed some of the wounds the earlier torment had caused. But as soon as he found her eyes, he saw fear, anger, confusion, despair. He tried to communicate without words, not knowing what to tell her. That it was going to be okay? That he would protect her? None of the things were true, and he knew it. He would cause her the greatest pain she would ever feel—because he was not going to tell Ba'al what he wanted to know. Jack knew she was strong. She would last and try her best to make it easier for him to stay quiet. While he knew that, he had no idea how long he could watch her suffer. Not long, he assumed.

Seconds after his eyes had found hers, she broke the connection and looked away. Her expression almost hurt as much a nudge with the torture stick.

"Carter." Her name just tumbled over his lips. He wanted to ask if she was fine, but well, that was a stupid question. He wanted to ask what Ba'al had whispered but feared her reply. He wanted to say 'It's gonna be fine", but that was a lie. So all he asked was, "Daniel and T?"

"Still down there, Sir. No one came for us before they got me," she said so very professionally.

"Maybe they can get us out." It was only a slim shimmer of hope, but they had to believe in something.

"Maybe." She didn't sound convinced.

Jack tried to crack his neck, twist his arms, find a position that was slightly different from the one he had been strapped in for the past hours. But no chance. He couldn't move just like he couldn't move his brain away from the thought about what Ba'al had whispered to her. He didn't know what was worse: knowing or not knowing. He decided for not knowing.

"Carter?" It was a question, and she understood.

"It's fine, Sir," she smiled dimly, a lousy attempt to make it seem it was nothing.

"Carter." Now a command. He couldn't let it go. Something inside him told him that whatever Ba'al had said was making this situation worse. Would create more pain and suffering. And he knew she didn't tell him to protect him. She just didn't understand that he needed to know. Like really. It would drive him crazy.

"Tell me."

Before he could say another word, the doors opened, and Ba'al came in.

"Missed me already?" Jack said.

"I missed her. She much more beautiful in pain than you are." There was a wicked glint in Ba'al eyes.

Jack was taken aback, realizing that this was not only to get the information Ba'al wanted but equally for his pleasure. He noticed the way Ba'al was looking at Carter. How he gently pushed a strain of hair out of her face. And it made Jack furious. She was not his to touch like this.

The doors opened again, and two Jaffa carried a big box inside. They placed it in the middle of the room, and Ba'al seemed delighted.

"Oh, new toys," he rejoiced and pulled out something that looked like a neck brace. The Jaffa opened Carter's neck strap, and almost ceremonially Ba'al stepped towards her carrying the brace like a crown on his open palms. He put it around her neck and closed it tightly.

"Let's have some fun, shall we?" Ba'al said.

Jack growled as he watched Carter hang in there. She wasn't fighting the restraints or Ba'al's touch. _Good Carter, save your energy,_ he thought.

"So, Colonel, where is it?" Ba'al stated the obvious question. The reason for all of this.

"You know, maybe next time stick your head into one of these machines. At least it's gonna kill you in the end." The second he finished his sentence, Carter's body convulsed in pain. Her head threw back against the wall, and her limbs stiffened in her shackles. Then, like her body was made from yell-o, she toppled, and her head dropped lifelessly. Jack winced; he didn't feel the pain and yet felt it just by watching her. All at once anger mixed into fear as he watched Ba'al lift her head and roughly shake her.

"Samantha, we're only getting started."

Carter's eyes fluttered open, and immediately she composed herself. She yanked her head out of Ba'al's grip and stared at him with an unbreakable glance. Ba'al seemed fascinated by her. He turned around and looked at Jack.

"I'm certainly enjoying this, so go ahead with your jokes," Ba'al was boring into him. "Make her laugh," he added with an angst-inducing undertone that gave Jack the chills.

He knew he shouldn't, but he couldn't stop himself.

"Bastard," he mumbled, unfortunately, loud enough for Ba'al to hear.

As a reply, another round of agony ripped through Carter's body. She didn't scream. But when the pain faded away, he saw blood dripping from her mouth, and he knew she had bitten her lips to let no sound escape—to make this easier for him. _Carter_, he thought and felt his heart skip a beat. Something that must have shown on his face, because Jack found Ba'al staring at him with a pleased smirk and the epiphany that torturing Carter was the right path to breaking Jack O'Neill. Without moving his eyes from Jack, Ba'al did whatever he had to do to active the brace and Carter's body was rattled again. This time much longer than before, but still, no sound made it over her lips. Then, she ripped her head back, and her eyes found his. He wanted to return her glance, be there for her, but he couldn't. The pain in her face ate him alive, so he lowered his eyes and hated himself for it. When he looked back up again, it was just the moment life was leaving her body. Ba'al noticed the panic spreading on Jack's face and turned to Carter. He lifted her head only to let it drop.

"Oops," he said in a way only the devil himself could speak. "I guess we'll have to try again."

* * *

Hours later, or days—who knew?—he woke from a quiet sound.

Carter had died.

And a little bit of him with her.

She had been put in a sarcophagus and brought back to life. But that little piece of him that she took when she exhaled her last breath couldn't be resurrected.

Now she was lying in the corner of the room. Jack was still strapped to the wall, and his head snapped up when she let out a groan.

"Carter?"

"Yeah," she mumbled, trying to push herself up.

_Thank god_, he thought. "Hey," he said instead.

"I think I died," she said and rubbed her sore neck.

"Yeah."

"Is that what he did to you last time?"

He had never talked to her about it. It was locked up deep inside of him, a place he was not ever willing to revisit it. But if she needed to know, he would open it up for her.

"Kinda. Not that neck thing."

Many other things, he thought and hoped that Carter wouldn't have to go through any of them.

"It's pretty bad."

"Yeah."

She leaned against the wall and closed her eyes. Jack watched her head bob to the side, immediately worried that life had left her again.

"Carter," he said tensed.

She didn't react.

"Carter!" he said again. Louder. Even more worried.

"Just a minute," she mumbled, her eyes still closed.

He let out a breath and leaned back himself. He'd been strapped to this wall since Ba'al had noticed pain and torture wouldn't make Jack talk after he had killed him seven times. Everything hurt, and he was so thirsty.

"Carter," he said again, and finally her eyes opened. Looking into them gave him peace—at least for the moment.

"I know you're the one who just died, but could you give some water? I'm kinda stuck here."  
She nodded, and he watched her slowly get up to her feet. He knew how wobbly it felt. Being brought back to life wasn't as refreshing as you might imagine. The sarcophagus only made you feel better and stronger when not all life had been sucked from you before. With small steps, she walked towards the water bucket and took a big gulp herself before carefully caring a cup over to him. She lifted it to his head, her finger accidentally stroking along his jaw. A sensation that sent waves through his body—good ones for once. While he took greedy sips, he looked at her closely—tired eyes in the so refreshed complexion. The sarcophagus let the body forget what happened, but not the soul.

"I'm sorry," she said suddenly, and first he didn't understand why. "I pushed you to take the Tok'Ra, and because of me Hammond sent us to P4X-765."

He had hoped to never think about Ba'al's torture again. Yet alone go through it another time. Most of all, he had hoped that no one he knew would ever have to suffer through this—above all, not Carter.

"If someone needs to be sorry, it's me," he said.

Her eyes softened, there was this look in them he had seen before. Back then, when he had killed her because the entity had possessed her. A look that said: it's not your fault. He allowed himself to get lost in her eyes. Feeling all the feelings he felt for her. A different kind of torture—one that he couldn't stand right now. Not when he knew that Ba'al did those things to her because he sensed that Carter wasn't just Carter for Jack.

Jack twisted his neck and flinched, "Carter, could you?" Motioning towards the strap around his neck.

"He's not gonna like it," she said.

"What's he gonna do? Kill me?" Jack answered, and it made her smile. Her jittery fingers reached for the clasp and opened it. Freedom—at least a bit of it.

"The things he does before are worse," she whispered all life gone from her voice.

"Carter…" he said without knowing how to continue. "We gonna get through this."

"Yeah, maybe. But what then?" Carter said, and he knew she was right. What then?

"I don't know where it is," he said to make her feel better. Or to make him feel better? He knew she wouldn't allow him to give in and give Ba'al what he wanted. But every time he refused, she would have to suffer. It was all up to him. And if she knew he didn't know, maybe she would hate him less for it.

"And even if you did, you can't tell him. He would destroy earth the second he found it," she said, looking at him with an intensity that made his stomach turn. She was so close he could smell her, feel her breath, see the wetness on her lips. It numbed his senses in a good way. No pain, not right now.

Just that moment, as if he had waited outside, the door open and Ba'al pranced in.

"Oh, am I interrupting?" Ba'al said smugly. Jack could hear how pleased Ba'al was to find them in this intimate situation. Just a confirmation that his plan was working out. Pleased that Sam Carter was the way to breaking Jack O'Neill. And he did a terrible job at hiding his satisfaction, "I can come back later, so you two…" he suggested.

Carter stumbled backward, but there was no escape. The Jaffa already grabbed her wrists and dragged her into the middle of the room. They tried to push her down, but Carter wouldn't be Carter if she'd go with it. She fought back and sent one Jaffa tumbling. From the corner of his eyes, Jack watched Ba'al watch Carter in delighted amusement. The way he looked at her as the other Jaffa wrangled her to the floor was frightening. Once the Jaffa she had stunned was back on his feet, he hit her hard with his staff weapon. Something Ba'al did not approve of. The Goa'Uld turned around, his eyes flared up, and with two steps he stormed towards his beefy subordinate and with a strength only Goa'Uld possessed grabbed him by the throat and lifted him, so his feet left dangled over the floor.

"No one touches her," Ba'al said with an uncontrolled voice.

_Oh fuck, _Jack thought. Ba'al had never lost his cool. And now he did over a Jaffa punching Carter.

Jack watched as Ba'al tightened his grip, the Jaffa gasped for air and then dropped dead to the floor. As if let loose by this event, Ba'al swirled around, ripped the torture stick out of the other Jaffa's hand and pressed it into Carter's side punishing her for his rage. She threw her head back, opened her mouth for the first scream Jack ever heard from her. A cry that resonated in Jack's body and made him feel part of the agony she felt.

"Stop it," Jack yelled. Never had he seen the torture stick being used for that long. But Ba'al didn't stop. He shoved it deeper into her muscles, causing another scream to leave her lips.

"Tell me where it is," he said with a fire flickering in his eyes as he darted them into Jack.

"I don't know."

"So be it," Ba'al said and moved the torture stick to her neck. The instant the stick touched her skin, she fell forward. Life leaving her body for the second time. Jack closed his eyes, and when he opened them again, Ba'al was right in front of him. Jack wanted to say something, but before he could even think of a comment, the torture stick dug into his stomach and sent him to the land of the dead. Maybe he would see Carter there, he thought.


	2. Chapter 2

He woke up first. Irritated by the unusual position. He had spent days strapped to the wall, so lying on the floor was a new sensation. For a moment he just rested, then the thoughts of his and her most reason death flickered through his head. He hefted himself to the side and saw her lying in the other corner. On her back, arms spread out, head dropped to the side. He tried to focus to see her torso raise and fall, but he couldn't. Panic rose in him, and he dragged himself over—good old military crawl, his legs too weak to get him up.

"Carter," he whispered in her ear, searching with trembling fingers for her pulse. When he felt the steady throb under his thumb, the tension inside him released. She was alive—again. Relieved, he fell back.

"Sir," her weak voice mumbled next to him.

He rolled to the side and found himself staring into her eyes.

"Welcome back," he said with a grim sense of humor—it was the only thing he could think of.

"Why are you here?" she asked.

For a moment he wondered if she was confused if she was hallucinating, but then he understood that she meant 'Not on the wall.'

"Oh, he killed me too this time," he said.

"Ouch."

"Yeah."

"That was weird. How he killed the Jaffa," Carter said.

"Seems like this snake can lose it's cool too," he grinned.

"Not sure if that's a good thing," she said, and he heard the concern in her voice.

"Probably not."

They fell quiet for a little while.

"I'm not sure I could do it," she said with a shaky voice.

"What?" he asked softly.

"If I had the information he wanted, I think I would give it away soon. The pain is so…"

"You wouldn't," he interrupted her. "You're strong, Carter. You are the strongest person I know."

He saw her getting lost in his eyes and he let go too, drifting along with her. He knew he shouldn't, but here they were—over and over dying together, watching each other go through unbearable pain—so what bad would a little touch do? Slowly he pushed his hand to hers and first let his fingers touch hers. Then, when she didn't pull her hand away, entwined his entire hand with hers. For a moment, they stayed like this until something in her eyes changed, and she pulled her hand away and rolled onto her back.

"That's what he wants," she said after a silence.

"What?"

She hesitated, then said, "That you care for me."

"Good news for him. I already do." Because he sensed it could sound inappropriate, he added, "That's my job."

"That's not what he thinks," she said.

The whisper, he remembered. Now he needed to know.

"Carter?"

She pulled a deep breath and then slowly said, "He thinks…"

"What?" Curiosity killing him.

She bit her lip and continued carefully sending one word after the other, "He thinks you love me."

Jack flinched and blew up his cheeks. "Oh… that…"

Before either of them could say another word, they heard the inauspicious sound of the sliding door and Ba'al came in. He had composed himself again. Nothing was shining through from the explosive anger when he had killed his Jaffa for touching Carter. All back to the nonchalant gentlemen torturer with always a soft smile around his lips and a witty comment on his tongue.

"Ready?" he said, and Jack was surprised that he didn't even comment on the compromised position he had found them in.

The Jaffa jerked Jack up and restrained him back on the wall while the other one grabbed Carter by the scruff of the neck, dragged her behind him and pushed her onto her knees right in front of Jack. Ba'al roughly pulled her head back so that she was forced to look up to Jack. Everything about this position felt so wrong—how she sat there on her knees only inches away from his crotch looking up to him, just like…

F_or crying out loud Jack, that's where your head's going now?_

He ripped his eyes from her and met Ba'al's.

"Isn't that something you always imagined?" Ba'al hissed and ripped her head back further, giving her no other choice but to look at Jack. He was surprised that given the situation, Carter still managed to look embarrassed. Hotness rushed over his body and another round of thoughts he shouldn't be having crossed his mind. He probably looked embarrassed too. Embarrassed for the kind of man he was. For not being able to not go there in his head. For stepping right into Ba'al's trap.

"She does have beautiful eyes," Ba'al continued. "Unfortunately they will close forever if you don't tell me where it is."

Jack huffed, and Ba'al understood it right, "Maybe one time I won't put her back in the sarcophagus."

Those words sent a chill over Jack's body. For the first time, he entertained the thought that death under normal circumstances meant the end. That he might lose her, that she would die here and he could do nothing about it. He quickly looked back to Carter and noticed how she tried to mask her panic.

"And I won't be telling you when. So where is it?" Ba'al commanded, but Jack just sighed and closed his eyes. As much as he wanted to protect her, he couldn't tell him. He couldn't be so compromised. That was what they were trained for. That's why what he felt for her wasn't allowed. While he heard her gasp for air and watched Ba'al press the torture stick into her body again, he realized for the first time that he had lied to himself. Even if he didn't act on it, he was compromised. She wasn't just his 2IC for him; she was the woman he loved. And he watched her die. Again.

* * *

The last rounds—Jack's suffering brain couldn't think of a better word for it— had passed uneventfully. Ba'al had asked 'Where is it?' and Jack had replied with a mix of 'I don't know' and 'Go to hell.' In the end, Carter had died. Sometimes after only minutes of pain, sometimes after hours. Always in a new cruel way. And every time she had woken up in the corner, and he had watched her from his hanging-on-the-wall-position. The more Ba'al tortured her, the more he tried to convince himself he didn't care. Every time she died, he wanted to think he was okay with that. He was trying to prove that Ba'al was wrong. Trying not to admit how he really felt. Trying to save her by betraying her. But this thought in itself just showed how forlorn this attempt was.

They didn't talk much anymore. In the beginning, they had thought about ways out, wondered how long it would take Daniel and Teal'c to free them, but after a while, hope had vanished. It had become a numbing routine. Every time he feared they wouldn't put her back in the sarcophagus. Every time something of him died with her, and he wasn't sure how much of him was left.

Besides his head and heart being mush, his body wasn't much better. Some time in the last rounds, he had been treated with the torture stick, some acid too. Never too long, but slowly if he wouldn't be put in the sarcophagus soon, he knew it would get to him. The death of a thousand cuts. In this cloud of pain, he didn't notice when Ba'al came back carrying a new instrument of torture: a P90. _Oh shit._

To his surprise, a Jaffa stomped towards him and undid his straps. Without strength in his body, he slumped to the floor.

_Lying—oh it felt good. _But only for a second. The Jaffa pulled him up and grabbed his hand with an iron grip. Then Ba'al shoved the P90 in Jack's hand, and the Jaffa pointed it towards Carter. The thought of shooting Ba'al flickered through Jack's head, but he couldn't even stand without the support of the Jaffa. So no point in even trying.

"Where is it?" Ba'al said unceremoniously.

Jack repeated his answer, his mouth almost incapable of forming other words, "I don't know."

The Jaffa squeezed his finger on the trigger, and the power of his gun shutter through Jack's body and released a deadly hail towards Carter. As if in slow motion, he saw how every bullet that hit her yanked her backward and bit a bloody hole into her body. She stared at him with terror, and only when her mouth formed his name, Jack was able to throw himself against the arm and knock the Jaffa to the side. When he looked up again, he saw her bleeding. So much blood. From so many wounds. _How was she still alive?_ He wanted to call her name, but he couldn't give that to him.

Ba'al's voice was full of hate and cruelty when he said, "Maybe this is the time."

He snatched the gun from the ground and seconds later Jack stared into the nuzzle, hearing the trigger click before he felt a sharp sting in his guts. In a cloud of pain, Jack watched Ba'al leave the room. Carter still strapped to the wall, losing so much blood.

_No_, he thought. _Nonononono_.

"Carter," he pressed out but didn't get any reaction back. Panic rose in him—this was the time he would lose her. And with this realization, a new strength came to him. Under pain, he pushed himself up and stumbled towards her.

"Carter, you're not gonna die. OK?"

He almost slipped in the puddle of blood that had formed in front of her. Holding his breath, he carefully lifted her head. She had her eyes closed, but there was a slow pulse under his fingers.

„Carter," he said again while trying to open her restraints, his trembling fingers failing him. Suddenly her eyes blinked open.

„Sir," her voice a whisper. "You're hurt."

She looked at him with dim blue eyes. Clearly in shock, clearly not noticing what was going on with her.

"Don't make me laugh Carter," he said while trying to open the shackles. "Have you looked at yourself?"

As if the words were the bullets that caused the pain, she suddenly frowned. "You shot me."

_No, but yes. _

"It hurts."

"I'm gonna get you into the sarcophagus." Finally, his fingers followed what his brain told them to do. The restrains clicked open and dropped her into his arms, which threw him backward. Carter fell heavy on him, and the pain in his stomach was almost unbearable. Carefully he rolled her over and looked into the countless dark red holes on her chest.

"Just let me go." Her eyes looking up to him, her blood coloring his hands.

"What are you talking about?"

"It hurts…" she sighed, "I can't anymore."

He knew she wasn't talking about her injuries. He remembered how he was about to give up how he had just wanted to die. But he wouldn't let her go. Just like Daniel had been there for him, he would be there for her and help her through this. And once Teal'c and Daniel would get them out of here, and they would make it back home he would, he would retire.

"It's gonna be fine," he said, holding her head with both hands. Trying to give her the power she needed.

"It's never gonna be fine again."

With her words came the revelation that there was nothing left of her—the fearless soldier, the passionate scientist, the warm-hearted woman—all gone. Every uncountable time she had died, it had stolen something from her. Other than back when Ba'al had done this to him, it wasn't the torture or the sarcophagus. It was because of Jack. Because he had denied how he felt for her a hundred times and in response made Ba'al do something cruel to her. Ba'al was the one hurting her, but he was the one hurting her soul.

"Just let me go," she pressed out under pain.

"You know I can't." The simple truth. Just like when they were trapped behind the force field, and he had admitted it for the first time. But this time it didn't seem enough for her.

"Why?" Big blue eyes suddenly so demanding.

"Carter…"

"Why?"

"You know why."

"Why?"

"It hasn't changed..." Hoping she would remember as vividly as he did.

"Why?"

He didn't know if it was the illusional pain clouding her or why she asked the question over and over.

"Because..."

_What if his words could bring her back?_

"Why?"

"Damn Carter, because… because I love you." He was surprised by how good it felt to say those words. To finally let it out. After years of denial and suppression, it felt like his heart started a victory dance in his chest. But only for a brief second, because while he uttered the words he had held back for so long, her body relax in his arms, and the light left her eyes.

_Nonononono._

"Carter, not now," suddenly he felt his pain again, twisting his insides. Life seeping out of him as well.

In a panic, he stumbled up, dragged her with him, painting a trail of blood behind them. With his last strength, he lifted her into the sarcophagus and closed it before darkness wrapped him and pulled him into death.


	3. Chapter 3

It was warm and bright, and everything felt easy. His body soft and strong at the same time. No tension, no pain, not even the knee. Just this comfortable heaviness on his chest and this strange tickle. It felt nice, like little sparks jumping through his body awakening his senses, slowly but surely. He tried to open his eyes. So heavy. He tried again, barely lifting his lids. But when he finally took a first glimpse of the still blurry world around him, memories rushed over him, and this mellow feeling was chased away by the last thing he remembered—Carter begging him to let her die. With this memory, a chill crept deep down to his bones, and a nagging question rose: where was she? He forced his eyes to open, and when they finally focused, he saw her blonde head laying on his chest, right there where his heart was pounding. Now faster—maybe from the panic or from the comfort of seeing her. She seemed to notice and slowly lifted her head and found his eyes.

"Hey," he said after endlessness of just staring at her. His mouth was dry, and the feeling of a terrible hangover spread as he slowly sat up. Clearly, he had been in the sarcophagus again.

"Hey," she said back, not letting go of his eyes. "I thought I lost you."

He could hear the tremble in her voice and knew it had been close. After the sarcophagus had inhaled life back into her and it's doors opened like the wings of a butterfly she found him in a pool of blood. She rushed out—too quickly, her legs gave away, and she landed on him. His face was pale, and when her jittery finger touched his skin, she felt coldness soak into her body. He was dead. And he had been for a while. Suddenly overcome with a fear that was nothing compared to the fears she had ever felt in her life, she had gathered all her strength and lifted him into the sarcophagus, hoping it wasn't too late. It had taken two rounds. And when she had felt his pulse for the first time, she promised herself that they would make it out of here. And then she would tell him why she made him take this Tok'Ra. It was about time.

"I thought so too," he answered, trying to suppress the urge to touch her, to hold her close, feel her steady breath and her heart beating in her chest. And even though he didn't go for the hug, he couldn't hold back entirely and pushed his hand towards hers, locking his fingers with hers.

"I'm sorry, I asked you to let me die," her words came out like a choke.

"It's okay," he interrupted her and squeezed her hand. "I usually disregard orders, you know." To his surprise, she answered his squeeze with robbing closer and then she found her way into his arms, digging her nose into the curl of his neck, inhaling him. And he answered this hug by pulling her even closer and pressing his lips onto her forehead. His hands wandered over her back and found the first of many holes in her shirt. As if reading a death poem, his fingers drift from hole to hole, carefully touching each little piece of skin. Places he shouldn't touch, but he didn't care about 'shouldn't' anymore.

"I thought I killed you," he whispered with his fingers lingering on the biggest exposed part on her back. Slowly starting to stroke the soft skin—not even a scar left where just hours before life was seeping out. Yes, he was thinking about the physical act of actually shooting her, but that wasn't what he meant. He knew this all was because of him, because of this little piece of information somewhere hidden in his memory. If he could only remember and tell him, it would be over. She wouldn't have to go through this.

Her silence made him nervous. So against his instincts, he decided to pick up where they left the conversation before they both had died.

„Do you still want to know why?" he needed to give her an explanation why he couldn't let her go when there had been the chance.

Slowly she moved away from him, but only far enough to look directly at him. He sensed the nervousness in her. Knew that this would change more than any pain and suffering before. That if they would make it home, there was no way back. Not this time. Not after all of this.

„The same reason why I can't let you go?"

Gratefulness mixed with this feeling of rejection. She didn't want to hear it, yet she knew and in odd ways admitted that she felt for him too. No matter Pete, no matter Ba'al. He wasn't sure though if this was enough for him. He had always managed to suppress his feelings, swallow his words, hold back the urge for physical contact. But it was as if the torture had broken down all self-implied and military-applied boundaries. Maybe—probably she would go and marry the cop, but didn't they both deserve at least one moment of honesty? He couldn't even finish his thought because heavy steps announced Ba'al's arrival.

"I see you brought each other back to life," Ba'al growled, watching pleased how they hastily let go from each other and tried to hide the emotions that had just swept over them.

"You two just don't make any sense," he said casually, and Jack watched him suspiciously. Every time Ba'al was chatty like this, something crueler would come. And after the situation he had found them in, Jack could very well imagine where this was going. "You two love each other and yet you let her go through all this pain for this tiny bit of information that's of no worth for you at all."

Jack and Carter tried not to look at each other when Ba'al's word landed. They tried to stay neutral, to not show any emotions, but Jack, for himself, knew that he was not very convincing at it.

"Starting a new career as a marriage counselor, or what?" At least he could try.

Ba'al regarded him with an unimpressed look. "Still think joking is a good idea, do you?"

He gave the nod to his Jaffa, and without comment, the Jaffa pulled Jack up and fixated him back to the wall. For Carter, it seemed, they had a new treatment in mind. The Jaffa handed Ba'al a long knife, which sight let Jack's stomach drop, and Carter's face turn white. Slowly, Ba'al orbited around Carter like the earth around the sun, the long blade slightly scratching around her throat, leaving a necklace of blood. She didn't even flinch. Only when he stepped behind her, so close that his nose pushed into her hair, she inhaled sharply.

"I'm asking you the last time: Where is it?" he demanded. But just like before, the answer was Jack's silence.

"What's your iris code?" Ba'al's voice was getting sharper, more threatening—but again was only followed by silence.

"I have to admit, I'm getting tired of this," his voice was now a hateful hiss. The presumptuousness was gone as if their unspoken, unbroken agreement was torturing him. The anger was back in his voice, and it got Jack worried.

"As much as I enjoy torturing her and seeing you suffer through it, I'm starting to think there are other things I can do with her that I'll enjoy much more," Ba'al said, all back to that arrogant crook.

It took Jack a moment to understand what Ba'al meant. The words alone didn't click but as soon as he looked at Carter and noticed her mortified expression he apprehended. Before he could even react, Ba'al slid the knife into Carter's shirt, and the sharp blade sliced it open, exposing her dark sports bra on her pale skin. Carter's breathing picked up in speed. Short, frantic, horrified. Jack knew on an average day, without days of torture ahead, she could overpower him. She would wait for the right moment then ram her elbow in his stomach, kick him simultaneously, snap the knife from his hand and thrust it into his stomach. Angry as she was, probably in his heart. But there was nothing left of this Carter. The one standing in front of Ba'al, stripped down to her waist, was not capable of that.

"If you can't give it to her, I will," Ba'al teased, soaking in every little muscle twitch that gave away how Jack really felt. While Ba'al let his hands creepily stroke over her shoulders, utter despair mixed with black rage in Jack's heart. He had felt those things before, but never to such an extent.

"I will make her scream your name," Baal said with an evil grin that strangled Jack's throat. "But not the way you imagine at night. The way that makes your bone shatter and your heart break into a thousand pieces."

Carter was shaking, pressing out sharp breaths, and when Ba'al let his hands wander over her collarbone towards her breast, she couldn't hold back a silent whimper. Jack was frozen; he couldn't rip his eyes away as Ba'al grabbed her head and pushed it to the side to bite into her neck, all without looking away from Jack.

It would break her. It would break him. It would break them. This could never be fixed, so he would never let it happen.

"Wait," Jack yelled, and Ba'al paused for a moment.

But it wasn't Ba'al who said something. It was the shaky, tearful yet determined voice of Carter, "No, you can't." Her eyes pierced his, dueling him in a battle neither of them could win.

"I can't let this happen," he said, ready to give Ba'al everything he wanted if he would only let her go.

"Sir, please," she begged him. He got angry about her commitment. It wasn't admirable but just bullshit. He would not let this happen. No way.

"Carter, no."

Ba'al was watching the exchange quietly. And excited grin spread across his face in anticipation of getting closer to what he wanted.

"Jack!" Little did Ba'al know about the power the word Jack in her mouth—that it gave her complete control over him. Jack saw the fear in her eyes and at the same time determination. She would not sacrifice earth. Under no circumstances, and she wanted him to be strong for her.

"If you really… if you do…" she struggled to say the words she wanted to say. But he knew. He saw it in her face, read it from her eyes.

"Don't tell him. For me." A plea. Underlined by the single tear that had sneaked it's way out and slowly rolled down her cheek. The first one despite the horror she's been through in the past days.

There was a fight raging in his heart. He couldn't let him do this to her. And yet how could he deny her what she asked for? After all, he hadn't let her go when there had been the chance. He had ignored her earlier plea and brought her back to life, and now this was happening, and it was all his fault. Ba'al seemed to notice Jack's inner turmoil and to push him over the edge he grabbed Carter by her neck and pushed her against the wall, choking her tightly as she gasped for air. Seconds later, he eased his grip and pressed his body against her and his mouth onto hers.

Jack didn't know he was capable of this sort of strength, but he knew exactly where it was coming from. While Ba'al ripped Sam's shirt from her body and she twisted under his grip, Jack's muscles tensed to a point it hurt, but that broke the first shackle open followed by the next one. Before the Jaffa even noticed Jack had burst off the wall, overpowered the Jaffa and threw himself onto Ba'al. Ba'al was so emerged in wrapping himself around Sam's body and taming her, that it took him by surprise. Jack ripped him from her, giving Sam just enough space to gather her wits, jerk up her leg and kick Ba'al into the part that hurt—even a Goa'Uld. Ba'al's eyes lit up, and he swirled around, landing a hit in Jack's stomach. But this fight wasn't one that could be won with strength or hate, only with hope. Hope that if he could stop this, everything could be normal again. So Jack didn't go down but used every trick he had ever learned and quickly had Ba'al in a headlock. Goa'Uld might be strong, but not very well trained in self-defense or any physical combat. That's what he had his Jaffa for, but well, Jack had killed them already. With all his power, Jack tried to keep Ba'al in the headlock, immobilizing him, but he knew he wouldn't be able to hold him for much longer. His eyes wandered around, searching for his next ace. He found it when he spotted Carter, carrying the Jaffa's staff weapon already lit up. Just like the well-attuned team they were, he threw himself to the side just the moment Carter shot, and the fireball hit Ba'al. Ba'al tumbled backward, his eyes glowing up one more time, then turn dark before he even hit the ground.

For a heartbeat they just stood there, looking at Ba'al on the ground. Not moving, not breathing. Ba'al was dead. A victory for them and it would be one for earth. But Jack didn't spare a thought about earth when he looked back to her. Standing there in just her sports bra, a bloody line and blue finger marks around her throat, a bleeding bite on her neck, red scratches all over her pale skin. And then without even thinking how inappropriate it was to hug his arms around her bare body, he did it. He knew they needed to get out. But he needed this first. Feel her, smell her, know she was alive. A quiet weep escaped her lips, and he felt her hot wet breath against his neck.

"It's over," he said into her skin, rocking her back and forth in his arms. "Now we just have to get out of here." He knew it would bring her back, following orders was just second nature to her. Without moving away from him, she looked up and found his eyes. He saw all the questions in hers, everything this event had laid bare—her feelings, her regrets, her pain that she was responsible for him being tortured by Ba'al twice.

"We talk about it when we're back," he said. This was no place to decide what they would do. He knew the times of lying to himself were over. He knew he couldn't be her commanding officer anymore. He didn't know if he was able to open up to her, but he hoped so deeply. And because she looked the words he had chosen actually meant what he wanted to say, he added, "Nothing has changed Carter, but everything could."  
A soft smile appeared on her lips. One that made up for so many things that had happened. Jack allowed himself to think what feeling her lips on his could erase and without being able to stop himself leaned forward, just close enough to feel her breath on his face. He searched for permission and found it when she leaned closer to—but right that second, her eyes ripped open and he felt something warm soak into his shirt and Carter going stiff in his arms. When he looked up, he spotted Ba'al's berserk smile. Standing unsteady on his legs, Ba'al pushed all his weight forward, shoving the long blade slowly deeper into her chest. Before Jack could even react, he felt the point of the knife on his skin, breaking it, poking into his flesh and finally boring into his heart. Speared together with Carter, heart through heart, he heard Ba'al say, "At least you'll die together."


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you so much for all the comments. It's so much fun writing stories for an audience that shares the same passion. I hope you'll like this chapter too; it's a transition into the next part of the story. Note: My story is based after Lost City and by then Dr. Weir is commander of Stargate Command, but I decided to skip her and leave Hammond in Command.**

* * *

Again this bright light. Again this feeling of waking up after being—well stabbed into the heart. No metaphor was crueler than his reality. He closed his eyes again. Maybe if he would just keep them close and wait long enough, it would finally end. Somewhere deep in him, there was the question where Carter was and if she was alive. But looking for her would mean only seeing her die again. Or whatever Ba'al was so eager to do to her. So no, he would not open his eyes. For a brief second, he entertained the thought of searching his ancient-spiked mind for the bit of information Ba'al wanted, just that it would ask for mental power and he had none left. Keeping his eyes shut was the only solution.

"I think he's awake," it came to him from a far distance, and he considered it was Daniel's voice which didn't make any sense because for a change Daniel wasn't dead or ascended; thus he couldn't be here with him. A hand was placed gently on his arm, and then there was Dr. Lam's voice, "Colonel O'Neill. Can you hear me?"

This was just too weird, so he cursed his decision and nevertheless opened his eyes to stare into Daniel's and Dr. Lam's face.

"Jack, it's over," Daniel must have seen the confusion on Jack's face. Jack lifted his head slightly and looked around.

_Yep, this was the infirmary. _

Lam just another proof that he wasn't hallucinating again—he was pretty sure that she was probably the last person her would dream of. As soon as she pinched this needle into his arm, he was sure he wasn't. Her words rushed in and out saying something about him being fine, and the only reason for feeling bad was the withdrawal from the sarcophagus and that staff weapon wound on his shoulder that would heal quickly. Fine, he huffed when he heard her say that. Nothing was fine. Nothing would be fine again. Last time he had tried to come back, but this time there was no way he would even try. With that, panic rose in him, and Daniel must have noticed because the next thing he heard him say was that Sam was sleeping and fine. Fine! Again! It felt like a slap in his face. To his surprise, when Dr. Lam pulled the curtain to the side, and he saw her lying there, eyes open, staring at him, and he actually felt fine. For a quick second, he allowed himself to soak in her blue.

Over the rush of his blood in his ears, Jack heard Daniel say something like, 'Sam, welcome back, you've made it home.' And then he started to babble, apparently utterly oblivious that neither Jack or Sam couldn't move their eyes from another or even tried to listen. However, without even paying attention to anything but her, Jack still got a brief idea of what happened. Apparently, he owed his life to yet another Goa'Uld. Last time Yu had attacked Ba'al, and this time, it had been Anubis. With the Jaffa being on alert, Daniel and Teal'c had managed to escape. Daniel muttered words like battle and explosion and Teal'c getting wounded and how they had found them. There was an ahem, and if Jack had paid attention, he would have noticed how Daniel's voice changed — speared together, through the heart, both dead in each other's arms. Or something like this. But Jack remembered. And he could see in Carter's eyes that she did too. Jack missed the part of how they got off the ship and back to earth because he noticed the change in her face, and then tears dropping onto her pillow. And just like this, he didn't care that Daniel or Dr. Lam was around, that they were actually in the infirmary where Hammond could walk in any second, on earth where he shouldn't even think about Carter in any way he did. He lifted his hand and reached for her; the distance between their beds was like two planets far away from each other. While his hand tried to travel to her, she did the same, and their hands meet in the middle, creating an entirely new planet.

* * *

Ba'al's had a wicked grin as he pushed Carter up on the wall and pressed his lips onto hers. Jack could hear her gasp for air and then yelp from pain when Ba'al ripped her shirt from her body and pushed his knee between her legs.

"No," he heard himself yell, and Ba'al's head jerked around. That evil bastard pulled even her closer, quickly lifted her up to carry her over towards a table or bed or whatever the Goa'Uld decorator thought this thing should be. Carter threw her arms and legs around but had no chance against the powerful Goa'Uld. The more she fought back, the more aroused Ba'al got by it. He threw her onto the bed and was on her right after — his weight pressing her down. Jack could only watch how his fingers dug into her skin, and his teeth left bite marks.

"Please," she whined, and it broke Jack's heart into a million pieces.

"Stop it!" Jack yelled again. "I'm gonna tell you everything, just stop."

Ba'al, already out of his robe, suddenly paused, looking at him triumphantly and said, "Sir."

_Weird._

"Sir!"

_He's never called him Sir._

"Jack."

Someone was shaking his arm, and he opened his eyes only to look into the blue of Carter's. No fear in them, no panic, just concern, and the deepest profound sadness.

"It's just a dream," she whispered. The shapes of his surrounding started making sense. The familiar grey walls, the white linen, the soft night light—the infirmary. His heart hammered in his chest, a film of sweat covered his body, and he let out a sigh.

"U okay?" he asked with a throaty voice, and she tried to smile for him. To everyone else, this question would sound ridiculous. After all, he had just woken up from nightmares and had a burning staff weapon wound on his shoulder. But not to her. While she tried to keep up that strong Major face water collected in her eyes, causing their blue to become even more vibrant. Before he could give in the yearning to touch her, she got up and moved back to her bed.

"Not really," she said and surprised him with her cruel honest. Usually, she would keep up the pretend, try to hide what she was feeling. Not this time. And even though it hurt him to see her that way, he felt some sort of relief spark through his body. Things between them had changed.

"How did we get out?" she asked, her voice shaken by distraught.

"You can't remember?"

She laughed sarcastically, "It's the only thing I can't remember."

So he leaned back and started to tell the story of how they escaped their ordeal.

He had woken up in the sarcophagus, something heavy on his chest. A heavy and motionless Carter lying stretched out on top of him. With panic, he had tried to wake her up and only slowly did she gain consciousness. Moments after Teal'c's and Daniel's faces peeked into the sarcophagus. Anubis was attacking Ba'al's ship, and the first hit had taken out all shields, so they were free to go. Daniel gave Sam his jacket, and then they tried to head to the rings to get back to the planet they were orbiting. Teal'c helped Carter, her body needed more time in the sarcophagus, but time was something they didn't have. It would only take minutes for the Jaffa to look for them. They were moving slowly, and when they turned a corner, they run directly into Ba'al first prime who immediately started firing at them and landed a hit on Jack's shoulder.

"Teal'c took him out, but I was down. And before I could get up Ba'al was there. With that bracelet that I'm pretty sure causes you pain because it's so ugly," he tried a joke, but for once she wasn't laughing about it.

„And...uhm… seeing Ba'al must have triggered something in you because the next thing I know you're all over him, punching him. You really should give combat classes; they can learn a thing from you."

Her stoic stare told him to stop joking finally.

"While Ba'al was busy with you, I got up, and then he somehow managed to get you off him and used the rings to make an exit."

He saw her brain searching for the memories of the event.

"When he pushed you off, you hit your head pretty hard. But at least we knew where the rings were. So Daniel beamed us down. Luckily Ba'al must have escaped to somewhere else because we were alone on the planet. The rest I can't really remember. Passed out from that injury and when I woke up again, we're just coming through the gate. Teal'c was carrying me, and I think Daniel had you over his shoulder. The next thing I know, Lam pokes a needle in my arm."

She hasn't moved or said a word, and he was not even sure if she was breathing. Just when he got worried about her paralysis, she let out a sigh that sounded like a sob just that no tears were running down her cheeks.

"When I saw him use the hand device on you, all I couldn't think was that I would rather die than see you suffer again," she said, and first he isn't sure he understood her right. Her choice of words was so similar to the ones he picked almost four years ago in the room all his feelings were supposed to stay in.

"Well, you saved my butt," he said, looking down to his hands.

They fell silent. There were so many things he couldn't say here in the infirmary so he promised himself and her he would do it later. Once they got out.

"We should get some rest," he said. Carter nodded, all the color in her face suddenly gone.

* * *

While he remembered every second of the time with Ba'al, he couldn't even remember what day it was today. Nor how many days they were back. All he knew was that General Hammond had given them a long time for the official debrief and today was the day—whatever day it was.

"I know Jack you went through hell and back and I don't expect you to tell me everything that happened there, but if there's anything I need to know, tell me now," General Hammond said with a worried look on his face.

"I guess Daniel and Teal'c have told you how we got captured?"

"Yes and how you got separated right away and two days later Ba'al's Jaffa came for Major Carter."

"Two days, huh?" Jack had had no idea how long Ba'al had tortured him, yet how long he had tortured Carter.

"How many days were we gone?"

"Almost three weeks," Hammond said as if afraid his words would trigger an explosion in his 2IC.

Jack let out a deep sigh and dug the heels of his hands into his eyes.

"That means Ba'al tortured Carter to death for almost three weeks. I lost track after the 27th time."  
Hammond looked at him with wide eyes, "Major Carter died 27 times?"

"More than that."

"And you were there when it happened?"

"Yes."

"But neither of you told Ba'al what he wanted to hear?"

"No."

"I'm proud of you son."

Jack sensed the comfort General Hammond tried to give him by the way he looked at him. He knew that Hammond meant it in all the right ways and yet it made him snap. He jumped up so quickly his chair fell over, and he started pacing in the small office.  
"George, he tortured her in more cruel ways than anything he did to me. He killed her over and over again. He made me kill her. Hell, he…"

How do you put in words what you don't even can describe?

„He almost raped her in front of my eyes, and I could do nothing. Because I couldn't tell him what he wanted to know. But believe me, if I had had the information he wanted, I would have given it to him. I would have told him everything to make him stop."

General Hammond sat still in his chair. On the surface, calm as an experienced General was expected to be, in his eyes concern and compassion.

"Jack…"

"I'm compromised. George," Jack interrupted him. "There's no other way to put it. He did all those things to Carter because he knew that at one point, I would give him what he wanted."

"But you didn't give him the Iriscode or the address to the Alpha site," Hammond said, and Jack huffed.

"You didn't give him what you could have given him" Hammond pressed.

"Only because Carter begged me not to do it. Only because Carter was willing to sacrifice herself," Jack tried to swallow the lump in his throat that was threatening to choke him.

"She's an excellent officer. She knows that protecting earth is…"

"You can't even imagine," Jack harshly interrupted Hammond. Shocked by his outburst, he tried to control his voice before he continued, "You can't even imagine how it feels to see the woman you…" now he interrupted himself. Carried away by vivid memories and his uncontrollable feelings, he had almost slipped. And even though just almost, Hammond understood anyways.

"I can't, Jack. And I don't want to say this, but it is a risk we take every day. You of all people know what the Goa'Uld are capable of."

"He stabbed a sword first through Carter and then through me. He speared us together through our hearts and left us to die," Jack choked out and bumped his fist into the wall.

When he looked up, General Hammond looked at him with horror.

"Guess, Daniel and Teal'c left that out of their report?"

General Hammond let out a long sigh, "They did."

"How do you expect me to go back to normal?" Jack asked, really hoping for an answer that would make everything go back to normal again.


	5. Chapter 5

Jack flipped the beer cap through the room, and it landed in some dying potted plant. The cold liquid felt good in this throat but didn't wash away the bitter aftertaste his conversation with General Hammond had left there. Take some days off; then we talk again, had been Hammond's final words. And off, Jack had gone. His bag was sitting packed in his truck, and yet he was drinking another beer—clearly, he wasn't going to be leaving. It was as if something deep inside him told him to hang out in Colorado Springs a bit longer. After his conversation with Hammond, Jack had fled the mountain faster than an Asgard ship disappeared in hyperspeed and while he was not with Carter anymore, his mind hadn't left her for even a second. It felt weird to be separated from her after being together for three weeks—going through the darkest moments of their lives. He didn't even know what she told Hammond. At the thought of his conversation, he let out a sigh, wishing he hadn't said most of what he had. Another General would have taken Jack's command away, deployed him to somewhere else, or court-martialed him. Not Hammond. Even though Jack wasn't sure if he still wanted this job, let alone if he was still able to lead SG1 with Carter in it. The times of denying his feelings for her were over. Every time she had died the panic over a life without her peeled another layer of the protective shell he'd built around his heart away, and now it was laying bare and unprotected in his chest sending swooshes of emotions through his body. He had been so sure about what to do when they would make it back. He had promised himself—and her—that he would take it out of the room and find a solution for them. It wasn't enough anymore to love her silently, unfulfilling. After all that had happened, he wanted to be with her in any way possible. A liberating feeling—a so restraining thought. How could this change between them? He was ready to retire. But was he willing to let her go through the gate alone? And then there was her boyfriend.

Hours later, a knock pulled him out of yet another dream of her being tortured. Most of the time, he woke up drenched in sweat with the image of her collapsing dead. This time, her scream still rang in his ears. He needed a moment to realize that he was home, safe, and alive. The itch to call her and check on her was overwhelming, but before he could pick up the phone for the hundreds time only to not call her the knock repeated itself. Jack got up with hurting knees and shuffled over to the door. He knew it wasn't Carter yet he couldn't shake the hope that it would be her.

"Hey, Jack."

"Daniel."

_Of course._

Jack stepped to the side, and his friend followed him inside.

"Beer?" Jack asked.

"Thanks, I'm driving," Daniel said while taking in the beer bottles and empty food containers scattered throughout the house. Despite his friend's raised eyebrows, Jack walked to the kitchen, opened the fridge, and got another bottle for himself.

"I've got Diet Coke," Jack said, staring into the brightness of his fridge. It was very much the same light as inside a sarcophagus and brought back the haunting thoughts of the time he dragged Carter there moments after he had told her he loved her. _Did she remember? _

"Sounds good," Daniel's voice was suddenly right there in the kitchen, and when Jack turned around, he found Daniel putting empty bottles next to the sink.

Jack handed Daniel a Coke, leaned back against the counter and said, "So?"

Of course, Daniel would come and check in on him. He had called twice before, but Jack had never found the power to pick up.

"So?" Daniel repeated the question, staring intensely at Jack as if trying to get him to talk by pure mental force.

"You've been there. You know," Jack said brusquely and took a big gulp.

"Yeah, but this was different.

"What do you want to hear?"

"How you're dealing with it?" Daniel said in his voice, a shimmer of hope. "Look, Jack, I was just over at Sam's before I came here. She's not doing very well. I mean you know her, she pretends she's okay, but she's not."

"What do you expect? That we just go back to normal? That we stroll through the gate on Monday on another mission like nothing has happened?"

Uncontrollable anger was rising in Jack, and he clenched his fist to repress the tremble in his fingers.

"No, of course not."

"But?"

"Sam needs you."

Jack's teeth were grinding together like quern-stones. "What about her cop?"

"I think he's out of the picture." Daniel's words gave Jack's mood a little uplift.

"You think?"

"I asked about him and she said he's not there anymore," Daniel answered.

"That can mean that he's out of town."

"Jack. Even she and Pete are still dating; you are the only one that understands what she's been through."

_And the only one who's responsible for what happened to her,_ Jack thought.

"It's not your fault, Jack," Daniel said as if he read Jack's thoughts.

"And you know that?" Jack snapped back.

"You couldn't have known that Ba'al would wait for us on P4X-765. You couldn't have prevented getting captured, and he tortured you just as much." Daniel tried to soothe him, but his words only fueled the fire of anger burning in Jack.

"He tortured her because of me," Jack lashed out, and Daniel looked scared for a brief second. "He tortured Carter because he knew sooner or later, it would hurt me. He killed her in unthinkable ways because he knew that it would break me."

Daniel knew better than to say something, and after a brief pause, Jack said, "What should I say to her?"

"Just be there for her." And then Daniel added a sentence that gave Jack yet another quietus. "When we found you…"

"Daniel," Jack hissed like a threatening, scared cat. But Daniel had always had a thing for wounded strays.

"When we found you, you had died in each other's arms. I don't know what he did to you, but I know enough about Ba'al that I can imagine. And I know why he picked Sam and not Teal'c or me. Don't you think you two deserve to have something good in your lives? After all you've been through and sacrificed for your job?"

Jack flinched and rubbed his hand over his face.

"I know it's forbidden. But Sam needs you. And from what I see, you need her just as much."

Up until today, Daniel had never said anything to Jack about Carter and him. A fact, Jack gave him great credit for—given how nosy and involved Daniel was about everyone and everything in his environment. For some reason, however, Daniel had known better than to address the Sam and Jack topic. Jack was sure Daniel knew things. He was with them most of the time; he saw how well they were together, how Sam laughed even at Jack's stupidest jokes and ever so often when Jack caught himself staring at her, he also found Daniel noticing. Maybe Daniel had talked to Carter. The two of them were close, but he never had once said a word to Jack.

Jack put the bottle of beer down, knowing he would need all his wits to survive this conversation. Probably by the end of it, he would talk to Carter—a beer mulled head was the last he needed to keep up with those two brainiacs.

"Yeah," Jack said, and Daniel's face slipped into surprise.

"So you and Sam?"

"No," Jack said hastily. The excitement took his younger friend the wrong way. "I mean there are feelings… They've been there for a while. But we decided that our job, the war with the Goa'Uld was more important."

"How long?" It was as if Daniel had waited years to ask all these questions and now that Jack had opened the faucet they kept sputtering like an uncontrollable stream. Jack took a deep sigh. _What difference would it make?_

"Like four years since we admitted it…"

"You told each other?"

"We had too. Remember that Zar' thing with the president?"

"Yes…"

"We lied because when Carter was trapped on the Goa'Uld ship, and I didn't want to leave her back it was because…"

"You realized you loved her…" Daniel finished Jack's sentences and blew out air.

Jack shrugged his shoulders and looked at Daniel with a sheepish grin.

"Oh, boy," Daniel huffed.

"Yep…"

"And now?"

_And now? Good question. _

"I don't know Daniel. All I know is that I can't keep going on as I have been. I don't think I can be her CO anymore. I want…" He paused for a moment. For the first time, he was going to admit to someone but himself what he was feeling for her, and it was scary. But then he threw the hesitation overboard and decided it would be good practice for all the conversations that would follow. "I want to be more than that."

Daniel nodded an encouraging nod. "I don't know what she thinks and feels, but when I was over, she kept on asking about you. So I guess…"  
That moment Jack's phone started ringing, and when he pulled it out of his pocket, he saw it was the SGC. Jack raised an eyebrow, and Daniel understood.

"O'Neill? …. General Hammond … No, I haven't left yet. … Yes, I could be there in an hour."

Daniel huffed disdainful, clearly upset that they would call Jack back two days into his recovery. But the expression on Jack's face changed so dramatically from curios to shook to pure anger that Daniel started to worry.

"And he's alive? … Do we know how? ... They had what? Are you telling me that the entire time there was a…" Jack's voice had risen to an almost yelling level, and he tried his best to control his emotions—it was still General Hammond on the phone.

"Yes, Sir," he pressed forward, trying to calm down.

"Daniel is right next to me … About that, Daniel and I will let her know. ... Yes, no need to call. SG1 will be on base in two hours." With those words, Jack hung up, grabbed the bottle of beer, and emptied it in one pull. He pressed his arms onto the counter and leaned in heavily, dropping his head deep, closing his eyes. Jack knew Daniel was burning to know what Hammond had just told him, but he needed a moment to digest the heavy dish Hammond had served him. Just moments before he had come to terms with finally talking to Carter and now the next universal curveball was thrown at him and quite frankly it catapulted him out into the staggering wideness of space.

"I need to talk to Carter," Jack said and stampeded out of the kitchen.

"Wait. What? What happened?"

But Jack was already out of the door.

"Jack." Daniel followed him hastily, and when he stepped out of the door, he almost bumped into Jack, who was storming back towards the house.

"Too many beers. You need to drive me."

"What is going on?"

"Now, Daniel!" Jack said so forcefully that Daniel stopped asking questions and just followed Jack's commands like a cadet.

Fifteen minutes later, they were standing in front of Carter's door. Daniel had tried to find out what had happened, but it was as if only Jack's body was in the car with him. His head was already at Sam's house, going through the conversation they were going to have.

Sam opened after the second knock. Hair ruffled, face tired, and when she discovered Jack and Daniel in front of her door, she looked at both of them with suspicion.

"Did you drag him here?" she sighed and turned around, leaving Jack and Daniel standing there.

When Jack got control over his body back and started moving, Daniel followed him.

"Could you give us a moment?" Jack asked, and even though Daniel wanted to know so badly what was going on, he could hardly say no.

When Jack stepped into the dark house, a new wave of nervousness rolled over him. This wasn't going to be the conversation he had imagined he would come here to have. Unfortunately, it was much more nerve-wracking.

"Hey," he said when he finally found her sitting on the sofa in her dark living room.

"Where's Daniel?"

"He's waiting outside."

She raised her eyebrows but didn't say anything.

"I was going to call," he said.

"It's okay," she answered, and he wasn't sure if she said it because Carter did everything to make others feel good or because she really thought so.

"I needed some time to think myself. To deal with somethings here," she said, and Jack understood. The cop was gone. Then she looked into his eyes for the first time. "I'm glad you didn't just disappear to your cabin."

Jack felt a sting in his heart and regretted that he had thought of doing just this. But like a champion coming back from a punch, his heart suddenly picked up the pace, pounding faster in his chest at the revelation that she wanted to have a conversation—that she was ready to let it out of the room. Driven by this hope, he left his position of standing awkwardly in the door and took a seat in the armchair closest to her.

"Listen," he paused, contemplating if to call her Carter or Sam. This was technically a work conversation, but he didn't want to start it with the wrong signal, so he decided not to say her name at all. "This is not how I imagined it."

A pleased smile hushed over her face, only making it harder for him to say what he was going to say next. So instead of dancing around the topic and allowing the illusion of what conversation they were going to have, he got right at it.

"The Tok'Ra captured Ba'al."

He had feared her reaction, but when he saw her face turn white and her eyes wide only from hearing Ba'al's name, he immediately regretted his approach.

"Sam." Her name the comfort he needed to give her. He got up and squatted in front of her, trying to make her look at him through pure will. And it worked. When his eyes finally grabbed hers, he understood for the first time that she was as broken as him.

"He won't be able to hurt you anymore. He'll get his punishment for everything he ever did. And I'll make sure to add some for what he did to you."

"To us," she corrected him, and it made him want to pull her close. But not now. They had to get through this first and then, then they would talk.

"Yes," he said and sat down next to her. "The Tok'Ra want us to come by, and Hammond has approved the mission." He looked at her. "I know it's a bit early after everything, so I understand if you want to this one out. No need to face…"

"No," she said sharply.

"You sure?" Jack wasn't sure if this was a good idea. Seeing Ba'al again could trigger so many thoughts and feelings and mostly pain. And then there was this entire thing with Ba'al knowing what was between Carter and Jack, and Jack really didn't feel like discussing that in front of Jacob. But he needed to go and see Ba'al's end, so he understood if she did too.

"Yes. I need to," Sam said, and he nodded as an answer.

"They are awaiting us in three hours. I told Hammond we would be on base in two."

"I'm gonna change. Tell Daniel. He's probably about to explode from curiosity."

"You know curiosity killed the cat," Jack said, and it felt good to make her smile.

"Says the man that can't stop sticking his head into alien devices," she said with a wink and got up to get ready.

Jack had to chuckle about her comment. She was right; he was a hypocrite when it came to that. He thought back about the last time they were in a similar situation to this moment. The time after ancient knowledge had been downloaded into his brain. When she came by to talk, some part of him had been glad that Daniel and Teal'c showed up because the tension in the room had been a clear indicator for where their conversation was headed. As if Carter could read his thoughts, she suddenly said, "You know how they say: never leave in a fight, because you never know what will happen and if you see that person again?"

He nodded.

"What if we always think there's another day and then one day there's not? What if one day it's too late?" she said.

"Every time we're going through the gate we know about the risk of not coming back," he said even though he knew that wasn't what she meant.

She tilted her head in a c'mon-gesture.

"Carter." He had thought he was ready for this conversation, but now he was nervous and intimidated by it and by what it would lead to.

"Sometimes I still wish it would have ended earlier."

Her words sent a chill down his spine. She was back home in safety, but her pain was still echoing through her body and made her think about death being the better option than coming back.

"You don't mean this, Carter."

"I just need to know why I went through this. I was trying to convince myself that I wanted to live. That I didn't want my life to end. And yes, any normal day I would fight for it with everything I have." She swallowed the tears that were pooling up in her eyes. "But in all the pain you start wondering what this life, you are hanging onto so badly, even is. And I noticed you were right. I don't have one. I have work but not a life."

"Carter." Hating that his words to get her to take a break now shot ahead of him.

"And honestly I'm not sure I can go back to work. I don't know if I can or want to go on a mission again. The things he did to me…" Sam cut herself off and let out a deep sigh. "And when I don't have work, what do I have?"

If he was honest with himself, he hadn't thought anything through. He had drunk beer and steeped in his emotions—in the things he wanted but couldn't have. He hadn't thought about what to do to change their situation. And only now he full admitted that it didn't matter what it would cost him, but he needed her. And she needed him.

"You always have me," he said, almost a whisper.

The weak smile she gave him—a smile that was like a flash of the familiar sun he orbited around—turned sad.

"As what?" she asked.

"As whatever you want me to be."

He finally got up and closed the distance between them. His arm felt like a block of naquada when he lifted it to reach for Sam's hand and then featherlight when he touched hers, and she curled fingers into his.


	6. Chapter 6

The event horizon swallowed him with a familiar feeling, and when it spat him out on the other side, Jack couldn't help but look over to Carter. Her glance was boring into her father, who was waiting for them at the gate. For the first time since Jack had known Jacob, he looked nervous. And he had every reason too. Not only did the Tok'Ra have an operative on Ba'al's ship. The operative had also known that SG-1 had been captured and tortured by Ba'al. Carter took that information better than Jack had expected. At first, at least. When Hammond briefed them on the upcoming mission she had been so professional, it almost made Jack wonder if their conversation an hour earlier had even happened. But then Jack had noticed how she pulled her hands from the table and clenched them into fists in her lap. He hadn't been able to stop himself from gently wrapping her hand with his under cover of the table. When she didn't pull her hands away and instead loosened her fist and curled her fingers around his, Jack knew that this was the last mission they would go on together. He was done with being her CO. He needed to be more for her.

There hadn't been time to talk more let alone to speak at all, but when he looked into her eyes before they stepped through the gate, he saw that she was on the same page. That even though Ba'al had taken everything from them, he had given them something new. Something they would not allow to slip through their fingers again.

"Sam, Jack." Jacob stepped towards them, regarding Daniel and Teal'c with a brief nod.

"Jacob," Jack said and waited for Carter to greet her father, but she didn't. Half-way towards his daughter, Jacob stopped and retreated. He hesitated for a moment, reading his daughter's face like an open book. And even though it said '_I'm not going to talk to you about it'_ Jacob said—almost with a commanding General tone, "I thought we could catch up before the official part starts."

"That won't be necessary," Sam answered with an icy voice that took Jack by surprise. This was the second time he noticed a first at Jacob. His eyes were searching for his daughters, but she stubbornly starred over his shoulder. Jack sighed. As if this wasn't complicated enough already.

"Lead the way, Jacob," Jack said and felt Sam's eyes on him but didn't reciprocate her look. He was not getting into the middle of a Carter family fight. But Jacob deserved to be heard, and Carter needed to listen to this. So when Jacob started walking, and Sam stubbornly didn't move, Jack gently tugged on her hand, pulling her with him. They followed Jacob into a sparsely decorated room. A table, a few chairs, and nothing else. Jack let go of Sam's hand and leaned against the table. He knew what would be coming, and he didn't feel like standing for it. To his surprise, Carter followed suit and sat next to him. A little too close for a Colonel and his Major but then again, they were past this.

Nervousness and anger radiated off her body, and when he looked at Jacob standing across from them, Jack understood why Carter had chosen to sit close to him. She needed a team. A partner. Someone that had her back. In her eyes, the Tok'Ra and her father had betrayed them, and it hit her hard.

Jacob mustered the two, and Jack saw suspicion creep up on Jacob's face. But Jack didn't really care. He was done with playing hide and happy that he had finally found what he had searched for so long.

"Sam, Jack… I'm as angry as you. This is not what should happen to our allies. As soon as the Tok'Ra heard from the capture and torture of SG-1, he should have done everything to get you out of there. Instead, he decided to fulfill his mission. I'm deeply sorry."

Jack felt for Sam's father. He heard him talk professionally, military but his eyes were a silent plea to Sam—but she was not having it.

"It wasn't your fault, Jacob," Jack said to fill the bitter silence.

The older man nodded and said, "Sam, believe me. If I had known…"

"Oh, so you didn't know?" she said in a sarcastic tone. "When General Hammond reached out to seek for your help, you didn't know that you had a Tok'Ra spy on Ba'al's ship?"

"We weren't sure you were captured by Ba'al."

"Not sure, no. But SG-13 found Goa'Uld traces on P3X-972. Traces that alluded to Ba'al. And you want to tell me General Hammond didn't tell you?"

"Sam…"

"The Tok'Ra knew and you betrayed us."

"Sam…"

"He tortured us, Dad. He killed us over and over again. He did things to us you can't even…" A sob interrupted her tirade and Jack had to hold himself back to not wrap his arms around her. Instead, he grabbed her shoulder and squeezed it softly.

"Carter," he said, trying to force her to look at him. And it worked. Their connection was stronger than ever. "It was bad circumstances."

Her eyes glinted at him, her anger now directed at him.

"Oh common," she said and marched out of the room leaving a speechless Jacob and a concerned Jack behind.

After a moment of silence—both men recovering from Sam's outbreak—Jacob said, "I guess you two are past the 'Sir'?"

Jack turned to Jacob and said, "That's what's going through your head right now?"

Jacob let out a sigh. "I was never really good at those kinds of conversations."

"Maybe you should let Selmak take over."

Jacob winced and pulled out a chair to sit down. His daughter's reaction ranking with him.

"Jake, listen," Jack said, trying to even the ruffled feathers. "I'm angry too. Very angry. Your daughter went through the most horrible experience."

"Just my daughter?" Jacob said with fatherly concern in his voice.

"I've been there before," Jack said, not willing to go down the road Jacob was suggesting. "But the point is. Just like many times before the Tok'Ra—and I'm not talking about you here—but the Tok'Ra turn out to fuck it up. To let us hang there. Sam is still coping with what happened. She will need time."

"Sam, huh?"

"Jacob," Jack growled and got up.

Jacob leaned back and brushed his hands over his head. "I hope you're right."

And then he added, "There's something else. Ra'kesh, the Tok'Ra spy, is here and will attend the ceremony. I urged the high council to apologize for our behavior and expel Ra'kesh, but they see him as a hero after capturing Ba'al."

"What about us?" Jack said, now really not looking forward to the upcoming hours.

"An unfortunate casualty."

"I see."

SG-1 and some Tok'Ra were waiting in a ceremonial room. Daniel had gone to great lengths explaining all the signs, symbols and marks and it seemed to Jack that he talked even more than usual as if trying to fill the icy atmosphere between the Tok'Ra and the remainder of SG-1. For a moment, Jack wondered if this actually was Ba'al's trial or just another torture Ba'al had come up with. Daniel babbling nonstop, Carter starring quietly, no place to sit, then the smart ass Tok'Ra around him—it definitely felt like torture to him. He cracked his neck and looked at his watch again when suddenly the doors opened, and the high council walked in. Jack was getting ready for a snappy comment when he spotted the Tok'Ra that must have been Ra'shek behind the high council.

_This couldn't be, _rushed through his head.

_There must have been a mistake. This must have been one of Ba'al's fellows the Tok'Ra captured._

Before he could streamline his thoughts, the high council stepped in front of him, nodded and said, "Colonel O'Neill, please meet Ra'kesh. The Tok'Ra responsible for capturing Ba'al."

It was that moment Jack snapped. He jumped forward, threw himself onto Ra'kesh, and had him down on the floor in a blink. His brain was incapable of processing the information the high council had given him, all it could see was the enemy. The man that had tortured Carter. The man that had stripped Carter of her shirt and had whipped her until her back looked like a raw piece of meat. The man that had choked Jack to death with the whip still wet from Carter's blood. The man that Ba'al had called his highly skilled torturer.

"Jack," Daniel yelled, and seconds later Teal'c pulled him off the Tok'Ra who lay bleeding on the floor.

"What is going on?" Jacob inquired, but Jack didn't answer. He was trying to escape the jaffa's grip—but as always Teal'c was stronger.

"O'Neill," Teal'c pulled his arms harder.

But none of the words reached Jack. He was like a wild animal someone had poked with a burning stick, and that was now willing to ravage and destroy everything and everyone around it. The burning stick being Ra'kesh who slowly came back to conscience.

"Jack." Sam's voice was the only thing that came through, and when it touched him, he turned around to find her face torn in pain. Teal'c felt Jack's body soften and loosened his grip around him.

"Can someone explain what is going on?" Jacob demanded and to Jack's surprise, Sam started explaining in a steady voice, "This Tok'Ra tortured us. This Tok'Ra killed us."

"And he found the greatest pleasure in it," Jack growled.

"Is that true?" The high council inquired.

That moment Ba'al waltz in. No matter if captive or system lord, he took the room with a smirk and a boisterous ego.

"Oh hello, this is a nice reunion," Ba'al chirped. "Colonel O'Neill, Ra'shek and...," Ba'al eyes fell softly on Carter who immediately tensed under his glance. "My dear Samantha. I missed you guys."

The look Ba'al was giving Carter brought Jack's blood to a boil, and it took all his military training to keep himself under control. Ba'al couldn't have this power over him. So Jack ground his teeth and shock Teal'c hand off his arm. He was not going to lose it again.

Ra'kesh had come back to his feed and watched Jack with a deep-rooted hatred.

"Having fun, are we?" Ba'al mused, looking at the blood dripping down from Ra'kesh's mouth. "The greatest torturer in my fleet a traitor." Ba'al acted as if he was thinking for a moment and then added, "I think this makes it even better. The drama, I couldn't have come up with that myself. Remember how he made Samantha call out in pain. Call for your name, for you to stop it and help her. But you didn't."

Ba'al smiled derisively and challenged Jack to a duel of glances, waiting for Jack to leash out, but before Jack could even formulate a thought a shot ripped through the silence and hell broke loose. The arrogant expression on Ba'al's face froze then changed into puzzlement while a thin line of blood run down his nose. Before the first drop of blood could pearl of Ba'al's nose, he slumped backward.

Ba'al was dead.

In the sudden panic of the space, Jack swirled around to Carter. Her arm was hanging lifelessly next to her body, her hand tightly curled around her sidearm. There was a mix of determination and shock on her face.

This was bad. The Tok'ra's would be pissed. Jacob or not, they had to get out of here, so Jack grabbed Carter's arm and pushed her forward.

"We're leaving," he grunted to Teal'c and Daniel and stomped forward, pushing Carter in front of him. She didn't object and let him navigate her with ease.

„Jack." He heard Daniel protest.

"Jack." He heard Jacob call out. But none of that mattered. He had to get Carter home before god-knows-what would happen next.


	7. Chapter 7

Jack didn't know if he should be relieved or pissed. After almost a week of negotiations with the Tok'Ra following Carter going rouge and executing Ba'al, they had come to a conclusion. Given the circumstances, the Tok'Ra would not press for consequences for Carter. In turn, the deal also applied to that bastard Ra'kesh. Jack couldn't believe Ra'kesh would get away with torturing and killing them, but these were the politics he hated so much. The alliance was stable, Ba'al dead and that was all that mattered to the Tok'Ra and the US government.

He hadn't seen Carter much in the past week. She had been in and out of the base for hour-long meetings with MacKenzie and check-ups in the infirmary to control if all levels were back to normal after the withdrawal from the sarcophagus. They met twice while Dr. Lam drew blood, but there had never been time to talk and when they occasionally bumped into each other in the hallway he was always rushing to the Tok'Ra meeting or she to therapy. The one time he went to see her, Jacob was with her. It seemed they were on better terms, which was a good sign because it meant Carter was feeling better too. Still, he was frustrated with their situation. A week ago they had made a decision. He had told her '_You have always have me... as whatever you want me to be.' _It had felt like they were moving forward— into a new direction together. Now, after so much time had passed, he wasn't even sure if he remembered the conversation right. Maybe he had gotten it all wrong.

Jack exhaled and got up. It was Friday afternoon, and Hammond had called a meeting with him at 1700. The last week had been a development in their relationship. As Hammond's 2IC, Jack had acted as chief of the base whenever Hammond was on vacation, but usually, Hammond dealt with the most critical issues himself. Not so this time. He had taken a backseat and let Jack drive the conversations with the Tok'Ra and the president. It was especially tricky because all Jack wanted was to explode into the Tok'Ra's faces and do something stupid just like Carter had done, but now he had to soothe the rough waters. Jack wondered if this was a consequence to their earlier conversation in which Jack had declared that he was compromised and couldn't just go back to normal being Carter's CO. In the Tok'ra negotiations he had proven that at least in a meeting room he was capable of being her CO. Yet he still wasn't sure if he could do it in the field. Besides, he didn't want to anymore. He wanted to be with her. Despite his confusion and their lack of interaction, the thought had grown from a small seedling to a strong sapling. Maybe, he didn't hate trees after all.

As he walked up the steps to Hammonds office, he reached into his pocket, searching for the folded paper that was hidden in there. _This could be it_, he thought.

"Come on in," General Hammond responded to Jack's knock. Jack pushed through the door and found Carter sitting in Hammond's office. _What the heck?_

"Carter," Jack said, only slightly concealing his surprise.

"Sir."

The look on her face was professional as always, but underneath it, he discerned a new glow. Not that kind of Goa'Uld-bad-glow, but still a glow that wasn't too different from when you shared your body with someone else. There was another Carter in her. One he only had met once.

"I believe we're done here, Major Carter?"

"Yes, Sir."

"You will give it another thought?"

"Yes, Sir," she confirmed, but it sounded more like 'I've made my decision, but I'm going to say yes to make you feel better.' Jack picked that up right away and wondered about what Carter had made up her mind.

Carter got up, smiled at Hammond, and turned around. Before leaving the room, she threw Jack another look he couldn't quite read then left with a "See you later, Sir?" Her voice jumped the octaves like an opera singer amid a dramatic aria. Jack didn't seem to notice; he looked forward to the moment she would finally stop calling him Sir.

"Only important people in your office today," Jack joked and took a seat.

"Well, Jack," Hammond said, and the sound of Jack's forename made Jack suspicious. "The last time we talked, you said things that made me wonder if you were planning on leaving the program. Since then a lot has happened, and I'm wondering if you have given it another thought?"

_Getting right at it, aren't we?_

"I have," he said, pulled the folded paper out of his pocket and put it on the table. With this action, he surprised himself. He hadn't intended of walking in and retiring right away, but something in the way Carter had acted earlier had cleared out any doubts.

"I see," Hammond said, looking at the paper from a distance. "Before I'm looking at this, I want to make a proposal. I was offered a new position."

Jack knew that in the Airforce 'being offered a new position' meant having new orders. As a higher rank like General Hammond, he probably did have a choice but then also, not really.

"President Hayes is creating a new department called the Office of Homeworld Security. It will be in control of the Stargate Command, the Prometheus, Area 51 and the Alpha Site."

Jack lifted his eyebrows in surprise. This was good. Or it could be good. It meant the Stargate program was finally taken as serious as it should have long ago. It meant that there would be more funding, more support, and a better chance at fighting the Goa'Uld. It also meant that General Hammond was leaving the SGC.

"The president wants me as head of this department," Hammond confirmed Jack's thoughts.

"What a bliss. More politics and paperwork," Jack waved about with his hands. "Any idea who we're going to be stuck with?"

"We? I thought these are your retiring papers?" Hammond teased.

"Old habits…"

"After the most recent events the Pentagon and the President are convinced there is one man who could run the SGC and make it politically viable, from an international and intergalactic perspective," Hammond said.

"Do we know this…shrub?"

"Well, you know him rather well. Brigadier General Jack O'Neill."

"Me? After all?" Jack gestured wildly. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. He came to retire and got offered a promotion?

"Yes, Jack. I wouldn't know anyone better suited for the job than you."

Hammond's recognition meant a lot to Jack, but he didn't see how he could do it. The reason why he was retiring was Carter. To finally put the rules behind them and because he couldn't make any uncompromised decisions anymore when it came to her. What would happen if she were ever in danger? Would he risk the planet's sake for hers? Maybe. He didn't trust himself anymore when it came to her. Being commander of the SGC would only make it worse. There was no way he could stand here and watch her go through the gate. Spending hours—hell days with the nagging feeling of hoping she was okay.

"Has Sam told you that she asked for reassignment?" General Hammond asked cautiously. His eyes hovering over Jack's reaction like an owl over a field at dusk. Jack's heart dropped like a falcon in a swoop for his prey—to stay in the terrain of animal metaphors. Just instead of a mouse or a lizard, there was only the bare ground, and his wings weren't working.

"No," he said and hoped his voice sounded at least semi-professional.

"Area 51 has wanted her for the longest time, and she asked to be taken out of active duty," General Hammond explained, his owl eyes still on Jack.

It made sense. Jack understood. He was glad. For his well-being, he needed her to be in a safe place. And yet it felt like stepping on a thorn that hurt the very moment and would continue to hurt with every step he was going to take. Why didn't she tell him? And why was Hammond telling him? Was it so obvious?

"I have her papers right here. Ready to be signed and sent. I asked her to think about it over the weekend. I would ask you to do the same. Perhaps you two could do some thinking together," General Hammond said and then added with a subtle smile, "Area 51 and SGC will both report directly to Homeworld Security."

Yes, obvious.

Jack nodded and got up, "Excuse me, General, I've got some thinking to do."

* * *

When he stepped into her lab, he felt nervous like never before.

This was their chance. Right there within reach and he would not let it slip through his fingers. Just what to say?

"Sir," Carter said and only now realizing that he was standing in her lab without having a word. He dug his hands into his pockets and rocked back on his heels.

"So, Groomlake?"

"I wanted to tell you in person, there just wasn't a good time," she said, blushing slightly.

"Yeah… There wasn't. Hammond said he gave you the weekend to think about it," he watched her cautiously. There was no nervousness, no hesitation in her, and he instantly understood that she didn't need the weekend to think.

"Yes," she answered.

"I've got some thinking to do myself," he said, and that caught her attention, so he elaborated.

"I went to Hammond to retire, but he made a counteroffer."

Carter's eyes grew wider than he had ever seen it.

"Retire?" she asked with unbelief.

"Yup."

"Why?"

A smile spread on Jack's lips. They've been through so much, and yet she was still playing the game. She still didn't understand how much he wanted her. That she was the only thing that mattered to him.

"You know why," he said. "Perhaps a similar reason as your reassignment to Area 51?"

There it was. Out and about. Ready to do the damage it could do. Or maybe start the good things that could happen from now on.

First, she didn't say anything; then her face blossomed into a smile.

"Perhaps," she said shyly, and he had to do his best to stop himself from rushing over to kiss her. Not now. They were doing this. But they were doing this right.

"What was Hammond's counteroffer?"

"His job, basically…"

That took her by surprise.

"He's retiring?"

"He's been promoted to Head of Homeworld Security."

"Wow."

"Yeah."

"What are you going to do?"

"Colorado Springs is closer to Groomlake than Minnesota," he said, and another wave of nervousness washed over him. This was not just going on a date. It was making life decisions with Samantha Carter—and they hadn't even kissed yet. Carter smiled and picked up a doohickey from her desk.

"Well, I'll probably be here sometime when teams bring back new technology," she said, and her smile grew bigger.

"And I have to test-fly the newest spaceships you're building." Anticipation was sprouting in him. "And when I accidentally break the gate or so, we'll have to fly you in to fix it."

Her smile was a hundred-watt beam when she said, "You know inviting me for dinner will work too."

Sam Carter wanted to have dinner with him. And coming Monday, he could finally ask her without breaking the rules.

"Cool," he said and then thought, _Why wait 'til Monday._

"So? How much more thinking do we have to do this weekend?"

He didn't believe it was possible, but her smile broadened even further when she said, "I think we're done thinking."

Walking alongside Carter towards General Hammond's office felt like the numerous times they've gone to battle together. Side by side, determine, with a plan. They had nothing to lose but their hearts, and he was willing to risk it. Before they climbed up the stairs to Hammond's office for the second time in the day, she suddenly stopped and turned around.

"What?" he said, afraid that she would have changed her mind.

"We're making plans together," she said.

"Carter, things never really went according to plan. So don't jinx this."

"Right, but we always succeeded somehow."

The way she looked at him like he was the only thing that mattered in the bustling mind of Samantha Carter made him incredibly happy.

"True."

Satisfied she turned around, but before she could keep walking, it was Jack who stopped her.

"Talking about plans, any weekend plans?"

Here we go. Jack was making a move on Samantha Carter. Technically she was still his 2IC, but as soon as they would step out of Hammond's office, she would be officially reassigned, and in theory, he could scoop her off her feet and kiss her right here—not that he was going to do that, but the idea was enticing.

"Yeah," she said with a mischievous glint in her eyes. "I'm going fishing."


End file.
